In an exercise of empowerment through self-analysis, I had recently thought to observe myself at my lowest. The idea was to acknowledge and own my demons. I intended to experience this in a short, isolated, controlled session. Without having taken further conscious steps towards accomplishing this, my mood and spirit have taken a dramatic turn for the worst over the past month. I have become vindictive, reclusive, loathsome, selfish, lazy, fearful… the list is long. Furthermore, my foulness is now affecting those around me, turning love and support into bitterness and resentment. Only now do I see that I am experiencing exactly what I sought.
Here’s the thing. I’ve hit the bottom and bounced back a few times before. I remember well how low I can fall. I have felt the edges of my own doom in times of great turmoil. Yet, I know there is lower still to go. But every joule of energy I expend going downwards feels like energy spent going in the direction opposite the way I want to be going.
I get it. It sucks. I suck. In this state, anyway. I can be an ass if I allow myself to be. Observation made. Conclusion reached.
All efforts should be spent pursuing favourable conditions. There is already too much wasting going on in the world to be spending time on anything but positivity. I would now like to see what I’m like at my absolute best.
Does one need to bounce off the bottom to ascend? I believe humans can, with enough will, reverse a free fall and take flight. One needs only choose to do so. Nobility and divinity are what one wants them to be. I stopped caring what the typical process is. I’m turning this snack-wagon around. I choose to ignore rules and conventions, setting my objectives and course as I see fit, discarding restrictive melodrama in the true aquarian way. Onwards and upwards. May the eternal golden age begin.